I posted yesterday about how I feel so… I don’t know. I called it a whole lot of nothingness. I received two comments on that entry, both of them suggesting that perhaps I’ve gained confidence.
I wouldn’t say I’m more confident. I will say that I’m learning to have less lack of confidence, if that makes any sense at all. 
I still wonder if I’ll get published. I’m still clueless about what I’m going to do when I get published. I still don’t have a plan or career goal. But these issues and concerns are starting to stress me out less. I have no control over these things. The only thing I can do is write the best I can and continue to learn how to write better.
So that’s what I’m focusing on. I’m not thinking about my submissions. In fact, this past week has been spent putting my heart into critiquing other people’s work, focusing on getting their stories published, and I’ve derived a lot of pleasure from that. I feel good watching other people succeed, it means a lot to me and I enjoy it. I’m glad I’ve been reminded of that.
When I first launched my website it was for the chance to meet other romance readers and writers like myself. I didn’t know about listservs or critique groups. I didn’t know what a weblog was. (When my designer suggested one to me I said, “Hell no!”) Basically, I didn’t know how to get in touch with anyone. Slowly that changed, I began to meet people through the net. I made friends and learned a lot about publishing, but along with this new knowledge came new worries and fears. I discovered snarkiness. I learned that just as you’ll meet a friend, you’ll also meet someone who’ll stab you in the back. I’ve learned to be cautious and wary. I don’t consider myself an overly sensitive type, but these things disturbed me and undermined my confidence. I became so focused on that environment and the drive to be published that I forgot what it was I wanted.
And that, quite simply, is to write.
So I’m taking this break to learn how to enjoy my accomplishments. I’d started to feel guilty about them and I began to worry that perhaps people were beginning to resent me (as if I have anything to do with contest wins. All I do is write. Everything else is out of my hands.) I haven’t really sat down and taken stock of what happened this year. I haven’t looked at what I’d hoped to accomplish and compared it to what actually occured, but I don’t need to. I know I didn’t get published this year, but that’s okay. Really.
Because I’ve discovered what I’m feeling isn’t nothingness or confidence. It’s acceptance. And I happen to like it. 
Great blog post, Sylvia! Self knowledge and acceptance instill a certain quiet unshakable confidence that will hold you in good stead as you progress in your writing career. There’s so much ’stuff’ that you can get caught up with in this business, but the only thing that really matters is the writing.
Jaq
Thank you.
WTG Sylvia! Great post!
Self knowledge, and acceptance, are very important things to strive for! Good Job!